A Very Happy Un-Birthday To Me, To Me

Someone great once told me that there are only two types of people you should keep company with. Those from whom you learn. And those with whom you have fun. I like this idea. It accounts for the people who are mean and annoying by saying “Look, they’re on this earth to teach you something – DON’T BE LIKE THEM”. Fantastic.

As the eve of my 25th birthday approaches, I have been contemplating what it means to summit this new age of “adulthood”. My twenties are half way over with. Gasp! But recall what a party you’ve had (i.e. mess you’ve made) in the last five years!

1) Believing that drinking in college is always enhanced by some group spin-the-bottle-take-off-your-clothes-action.

2) Learning that one should always have an attractive set of undergarments available in case of emergencies. Or for situations such as the aforementioned.

3) Traveling to Spain and getting the best tan of your life! Even with the meticulous applications of sunscreen.

4) Graduating from college and realizing that all that “learning” you were doing should've actually been called “procrastinating because we don’t want to be the ones to tell you real world is tough.”

5) Following your dreams into a workplace where bringing art and creativity to the silver screen entailed lots of nail polish and curling irons; and egos, and screaming, and superficiality and blood. I am NOT exaggerating.

6) Realizing that everyone bleeds and that a lot of people have egos, scream, and are superficial. It’s the ones who have an unhealthy addiction to curly hair and manicured nails that you need to watch out for.

7) Gaining a healthy appreciation for the intricacies of family.

8) Understanding that how much you put into life determines how much you will get out of it.

So, the moral is: You could've done waaay worse Jocelyn!

Mastering the Art of Jelly Cooking

Dear dishes,
I loathe you.
And for the flour smattered all over by barely 6hr old yoga pants, I hate you too.

Cooking is like crack for me. Not that I need to do it all the time, but once I get it in my head, my brain starts spinning a million miles an hour. "Ooo, I’m hungry. I want to make that cake. R.I.G.H.T. N.O.W. But wait! I don’t have the ingredients for that. Hmm, I guess I could go to the market to buy them. But I just went to the market! It wouldn’t be efficient to drive to the market to get a couple of ingredients. Damn I wish I would have thought of that while I was at the market and I could’ve made this damn recipe! Damn, darn, dingles…
Well, let’s see what I can make with my available ingredients. I could do the cauliflower gratin but I don’t want to go through all those steps. There’s got to be something that’s quicker to make...”

And on and on it goes. By the time I’m done playing the sick mind game with myself, I could’ve gone to the market and made a recipe with 30 steps! When I finally buckle down with a recipe, and get it in the oven, the remaining mess triggers a crack addict breakdown.

"Crap! There is crap EVERYWHERE. How does this happen? It’s worse than a kid playing in a mud pit! It’s going to take me 30 minutes to clean all this crap up. Maybe I can do it in 10 minutes. If I hurry. Ok, let’s hurry.” (20 minutes go by)

“How the hell have I been cleaning for 20 minutes and I’m not even half way down! I H.A.T.E this. Ugh.”

Then I’m finished. 40 minutes later. But now I feel like I need to take a shower and I tell myself I’m NEVER going to cook again. This lasts about 3 hours. Then my body goes into withdrawals

Dear cooking,
I love you.

Eternally yours,
Jelly

Jelly’s Guide to Being a Decent Person

These are guidelines which everyone needs to be reminded of once in a while. They are not rules. Well I guess they are in the sense that they are likely to be broken. On to the analysis –

Human life is intrinsically about choices. We have the ability to dictate our futures, whereas Fido, does not. So here are some choices I advise you to make:

1) Put the pong ball down. Do not participate in drinking contests.
2) Bulimia was so 1999. Do not throw up your food because your mind is telling you to.
3) You are only 5 for exactly 365 days. Stop pouting about how hard and unfair life is.
Oh, and do not write rules that you yourself cannot follow (this is a tricky one, but one that I am very good at).

This has been a verbal diarrhea episode provided by Jelly. Blah.