Baby Face

I’ve resorted to pimping out my sister and my nephew as content for this blog. But how could I possibly resist? He's got such a cute, squishy, baby face.

"I don't mind the Indiana humidity at all! I'll just work on my suntan."

"Oooo, and look! We're matching Mom!"

"Hooray!"

A Wee Bit Distracted

I can’t help it.

I can’t get his cubby cheeks, squishy little arms, tiny toes and adorable face out of my mind.

He’s such a sweet, whittle baby.

I’m so excited you’re here Baby Matthew! And I’m sorry I had to leave Michigan so soon. Thank you for letting me be your Auntie. I can't wait to see you again!

Ten Vocabulary Words to Teach Your Baby

Due to the impending arrival of my un-named nephew, who I’ve dubbed "PM C Baby", I've compiled a list of ten vocabulary words which I think any mother should teach their baby. You can never get too early of a start molding their little brains and turning them into erudite geniuses. I find myself using these words every day, they are so important. I've also included examples for each word (most are baby themed!), to help convey their meaning.

1) Erudite

(adj): Having or showing great knowledge or learning.
My example: The sophistication of writing displayed on The Jelly Logs, indicates it is penned by a very erudite author.

2) Donnybrook

(noun): A brawl or fracas; a scene of chaos.
My example: A donnybrook broke out in the playpen, when the babies realized there was only one Tickle Me Elmo toy to share.

3) Skullduggery

(noun): Crafty deception or trickery or an instance of it; activities intended to deceive; a con or hoax.
My example: Dr. Thomas, whose medical license had been recently revoked, told the expectant mothers "If you give your baby a bottle every time they cry, you’ll be playing into their skullduggery. They’re not really hungry. Babies are just attention whores."

4) Verisimilitude

(noun): The quality of appearing to be true or real.
My example: A childless person may think Jon and Kate Plus 8 is the verisimilitude of what it’s like to raise a large family, but a real parent knows it’s much harder to wrangle several children when you don’t have a television crew and staff helping you out.

5) Ineffable

(adj): Incapable of being expressed; indescribable or unutterable; taboo.
My example: Good mothers do not express their ineffable hatred of that purple dinosaur named Barney. Better mothers tell their children that dinosaurs went extinct millions of years ago and it’s really some pervert with BO inside the purple costume.

6) Rapscallion

(noun): A mischievous person; a rascal; a scoundrel.
My example: Her preschool teachers chose not to use her real name, Jocelyn, but instead began calling her Miss Rapscallion Grand Evil One.

7) Roustabout

(noun): A laborer employed for temporary or unskilled jobs; a circus laborer; a deck or wharf laborer, especially on the Mississippi River.
My example: Little Jimmy had dreams of becoming a roustabout. Mother always told him he should aim low because of his ADHD.

8) Equanimity

(noun): The quality of being calm and even-tempered; composure.
My example: Despite the baby food in her hair, the feces underneath her fingernails, and the constant crying blasting over the baby monitor, young Jeanie displayed remarkable equanimity as she watched the second line appear on pregnancy test she was holding in her hands.

9) Salubrious

(adj): Promoting health or well-being; wholesome.
My example: "What is this salubrious beverage I am drinking?" the young lady asked. "It is champagne, but of course" her loving companion answered.

10) Zaftig

(adj): Full-bosomed; having a full, shapely figure.
My example: The zaftig mother on the cover of this month’s issue of American Baby exhibits the benefits of effective breastfeeding.

Dear P MC Baby

Dear P MC Baby,

I'm not really sure how to start this, or whether I should be writing you something in the first place (considering that your mom will probably never allow you to read this provocative website of mine), but you've been on my mind lately and I wanted to write you a little note. You're kinda small at this point… let me go check the fruit chart. Holy cow! You're the size of a peach!

Where was I… so you're kinda small and I can't believe you're going to grow into my little niece or nephew. I haven't been around many pregnant people before, especially ones I'm related to, so this is a whole new experience for me. I'm very excited and nervous, and hope everything goes well as you cook up in Mama's oven. Maybe I should apologize at this point, since you don't get to pick who you're related to and you just so happen to be related to me. I'm not all that bad; just don't catch me when I'm hungry.

I'm probably going to have an emotional freak out one of these days (OMG I can't believe my sister is having a baby!!!), but it will be a good freak out. The kind you have when you realize Santa Claus is not real, even though you continue to get presents on Christmas. It'll be a "time to grow up" freak out (OMG I can't believe my sister is having a baby!!!). Oh, and I didn't mean that thing about Santa Claus. He's totally real. I was just using it as an example.

So basically what I'm trying to say, is that you are very loved and anticipated. You also happen to have the most awesome Mama in the world (your Dad on the other hand…). So keep on swimming and sleeping and growing in your little cocoon. We want to meet you after you're all done and plumped, and not a moment sooner.

Love,
Your Auntie J

Special

If you live where I do, that means sunshine and sandy beaches on Christmas.

It means indulging in sweets and snacks. Or maybe a 6.5 lb. USDA prime cut of Prime Rib at $26.99/lb. (you do the math), and being able to share this once-in-a-lifetime meal with your loving family.

It means presents and surprises. Some come wrapped in festive paper, while others come wrapped in a fleshy womb. Don’t they look thrilled?

I hope everyone’s holidays were as special as mine were, and here’s to an awesome 2011!

I’ve just had a great little break from my normal work/blog/run/fly/read routine, and it’s made me reflect on how special the time around the holidays is.

Happy Holidays!

It's the time of year when you expect to fill your mantel with Christmas cards. Except this year it seems like the holidays snuck in and many people didn’t have the time or desire to send cards. I am guilty of this as well. But alas, I am sending everyone an online holiday card!

Happy Holidays from your favorite Cali Valley Clan!

Love,

The Stud, Jelly & the Puppers