Wednesday, January 19, 2011

A Once in a Lifetime Opportunity

If you’ve been round these parts for any length of time, then you probably know that I’m getting hitched. And let me tell you something about weddings: they ain’t cheap. Keeping this fact in mind, I’ve come up with a creative solution to offset some of these wedding expenses. I’m going to pimp out my soon-to-be husband.

Has your baby daddy skipped town and you needs him to show up in court so you can get your skrilla? Cause somebody’s gots to take care of dem damn babies! Well you’re in luck. How about hire a bounty hunter? He will track down your baby daddy, your rouge tenant, your hamster, your Aunt Mrytle, anybody! For the low starting price of $99.99. You can afford to tie up your loose ends for that price!

(Fine print: Dog comes included. Although if he has to shoot anybody, you will be charged the cost of ammunition.)

Got a bird problem? We’ve got just the exterminator for you! He does the job clean and efficiently so you don’t have to deal with the mess. Nobody likes to get pooped on when walking from the car to the house, and now you won’t have to worry about it! One session with our exterminator and we promise those birds will be gone and you will be poop free for at least one week. Just send your cash or money order in amount of $99.99 to us today! Or if you’ve got a REALLY bad bird problem, our exterminator knows other exterminators and together they are the Tres Amigos Asesinos! Three times the fire power for only double the price. That’s right! Only $199.98!

(Fine print: This service is limited to the extermination of animals only; doves are preferable. You will not be able to keep the carcasses.)

Need a redneck to show up at your work’s “Accepting Other Cultures and Ethnicities Day”? Again, you’re in luck! We’ve got a one-of-a-kind, red-in-the-neck, hick-to-the-bone brother just waiting for you to hire him! He can answer all your questions, such as: “What mullet should I get if I’m going to a wedding” and “What type of mullet is acceptable for work?” or “What is the best ammunition to use to shoot a propane tank?” Don’t trust amateurs when you can be educated by an expert! We guarantee he will not show up on time, not be sober and definitely be wearing camo. All this for the low price of $99.99.

(Fine print: It is against the law to solicit sex, so please don't try to solicit those types of services from our redneck. If it’s hot, then he is allowed to take off his shirt, but that’s it!)

So what are you folks waiting for? Time is running out and his schedule is filling up. Don’t wait, call today!

(Advertisement paid for by: Brides Who Would Rather Pimp Out Their Husband than Remove Caviar from the Wedding Menu LLC).

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